It's been a while....

...and now here we are on the eve of a bit of surgery. Never had a general anaesthetic before so am a bit nervous really. Will ithurt when they put the thing in my hand? Will my bottom be flapping out the back of the hospital gown? Why didn't I lose a bit of weight before going through this?

'This' is IVF, and it's hopefully going to make me and P very happy. I am loathe to get too excited but the bubbles of excitement are creeping out, like an overflow from the bath. I really want this to work. I am terrified if I'm honest of all the things that children bring, the fact that the school summer holidays are on now...how will we work it when the little one goes to school? Will I be able to cope with the early starts AND motherhood? And then the things a bit closer to home, if I DO get pregnant, what if I have morning sickness at work? But all the worries will be put to one side for that moment when we get told that yes, I am pregnant.

Met N for lunch today who's had an awful time with her IUI. I felt a little guilty that I've had a bit of a breeze through my scans and injections. I was a bit worried abotu how to actually inject at first, but when E showed me how to do it, the smooth flight of the needle, the ease with which the sharp pierces the skin, the lack of pain if you do it right, it almost became second nature. Almost. The puncture marks on my swelling stomach might show differently. And the side effects I currently feel, lower back ache, cramps, heavy tender breasts are nothing in comparison to the extremes N went through. Crying all the time she said. Extreme reactions and a tension between her and her partner. I feel blessed to have had P's support even though I know he's a little stressed with work.

So yes, currently my ovaries are the size of grapefruits, my bits have been looked at more than Jordan's on a trip to Ibiza and I'd like tomorrow's egg collection to be over please. If this doesn't work, then so be it, it's in fate's hands realy. And I know I will have a child, whatever happens, one way or another, throught this process or adoption, there'll be someone who calls me Mum.