Saw Olivia yesterday, who's 5 months pregnant and absolutely blooming. I felt big pangs of envy and love for her.I am excited yet also terrified at the prospect of motherhood. I feel a huge well of emotion filling my chest when I talk about this. Our own child. To have created something from both Paul and I , that will grow inside me and will continue growing and being nurtured by us is something I have a real need for. I can see us all laughing together. I can already feel it. I know Paul sometimes thinks having a baby in the near future will hold us back, but it's only been this year that I can really feel this pull, this magnet of motherhood pulling me forward. It terrifies me of how much it will change our lives and our relationship. P is the best thing that has ever happened to me and my heart aches at the thought of anything changing that.
I am also frightened of what challenges lie ahead for us with making this step. To cross the line of pregnancy and then your baby not live is something that just happens . Mum had a son. He died when he was 24 hours old and she lives with the knowledge that she has a son every day of her life. How can he not be here? Maybe he just wasn't meant to live. I want to not be frightened of death and the death of those I love , but it's not even the death part that frightens me if I believe we all have a soul. It's the missing them I find hard to handle. It makes my heart hurt.
I don't know this blogger, but I know she lives near Cambridge and I know she writes a fantastic blog every day. She's just lost her baby and her blog made me cry.
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