Dark times.

Last week I had a dark day. Was writing this, sobbing, when P came
home, so luckily, cos I don't think he reads my blog, and I don't
really mention it to him every time I write it, cos it seems a bit
narcissistic, he read it, and that made me feel better as he was calm
and rational and loving . But for the purposes of recording this
process and the point that not every day is a bed of roses just cos my
dolly is home, here's what I had written.

"No-one is going to want to hear what I have to say today. After all
those months and years of wanting to mum, what if I can't do this?
Tilda's been home a week. In that week I've learned there is no going
back. The first night of staying with her in the hospital on my own,
shut the door and was hit by a real feeling of gut wrenching reality.
This is real and she is our responsibility. My responsibility. I don't
think P feels this, hands on as he is. What if I can't do this? Called
Teresa from the hospital car park the day before she came home, in
floods of tears, spoke to Glitz too, and they were both absolutely
rational and sane and said of course you can do this!

Today, it's been a day of being on my own, P is back at work, and it's
been me and Tilda, just us, we didn't do a lot, went for a little
walk, went to the post office, came back. Spoke to mum and Emma, did
some emails, the online shop. Tilda then at about 2pm during her feed
started bringing it back up. Now this isn't new, she gets awful wind
and sometimes possets or even vomits a bit, but this time she just
wasn't keeping it down, but was doing the head from side to side
motions because she was clearly hungry and wanted more. I am rubbish
and haven't even kept a record of how long it was since I started
trying to get her to keep it down. Then I'm feelng her head, thinking
has she got a temperature? Then the flyer in the red book has a list
of meningitis symptoms, and that says vomiting, coldhands and feet,
and I'm thinking, has she got meningitis? And I called the health
visitor and said she's vomiting a bit and should I still feed her, and
she said as long as she's keeping down 16 oz a day I'm not concerned.
What the hell's 16 oz ? I work in mls! So have just kept on trying to
feed Tilda little bits in case it's reflux, but then she's ALWAYS had
a bit of reflux and she's already on medication. Could I have fed her
too much? The health visitor said that's a maybe. But oh my god she was
fine yesterday and she was even seeming to take more overnight and
sleep more. This is ridiculous. I don't want to call GP's or
hospitals, or have to take her somewhere cos I am scared it means
something 's wrong and if something's wrong, what if she dies?

On my walk today I was going to meander down a country path and then thought oh my
god what if I tripped and fell on her and klled her and what would I do
then? How could I live with that, how would I be able to live if I
killed her?"

Luckily, I'd stopped at this point. A week on, perspective wise, I
feel better. I learning every day what she wants but I am still
scared I'm not doing it right, or with one tiny thing I can muck up a
routine or an association. But every day we kiss her and tell her we
love her and I hope it's all ok. We're doing our best.